My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
