I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
