she woke up with a sticky ear
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
