You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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