just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
