well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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