A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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