I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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