If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize