Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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