my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
