Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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