I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
