i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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