So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize