At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
