I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you traded sex for a burrito?
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
