No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
