Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
