I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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