dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
