I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
