Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
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