what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
