i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
