You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
