Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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