Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
