the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
