The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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