He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
