I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
the liver wants what the liver wants
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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