Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
only you would photoshop your dick
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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