I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
