yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
