it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
