Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
