..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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