There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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