There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
