No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
