so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
