i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
