if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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