tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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