hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
