Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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