When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Boobs speak an international language.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
