You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
either way he was missing a nipple.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I am one with the molecules
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
