Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
