I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
