Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
