The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
