Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize