Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize