she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
