Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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