So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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