we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize